The Strangest Marriages of All Time

What is the definition of marriage? Ecclesiastical: a religious act in which you get one more crucified and one less virgin. Temporal: the period after life, before death. Legal: a long-term imprisonment where the convict can be released due to bad behavior. Military: the only war where we sleep with the enemy. Mathematical: the sum of subtracting freedom, multiplying responsibilities, and dividing money. Philosophical: a place where problems are mutually shared and resolved, which, truth be told, we wouldn’t have if we hadn’t entered into marriage. Jokes aside, the marriage vow is, even in these debauched times, one of the most important things in life for many. Usually, marriage is entered into between two people, most often a man and a woman. But what if the object of your love is a gentle quadruped? If you want to grow old in the arms of a truck, a wall, or a pillow? Here’s a list of the most unusual marriages in history, where only one side was able to say “I do.”

Madame Eiffel

When she first saw him in 2004, Erika LaBrie’s heart fluttered. Her chosen one was tall, well-built, and world-famous. No, it wasn’t a famous actor or footballer, it wasn’t even a human being: Erica fell in love with the Eiffel Tower! After three years of a “tender relationship filled with mutual understanding” (her words!), she legalized her love and officially became Mrs. Eiffel. Today, she claims to be in a happy marriage and remains in the media spotlight thanks to her website, which brings together people with similar romantic preferences (scientifically termed objectophilia). Erica claims that, in addition to sexual attraction, she harbors deep feelings for the metal structure. Before tying the knot with the tower, the eccentric woman was in a romantic relationship with a handsome arch (not a vegetable, but the kind from which arrows are shot), but “emotions wore out.”

Stone Newlyweds

For some, the Berlin Wall represented a symbol of lack of freedom, an embodiment of the Cold War. For a Swede named Eija-Riitta Eklöf, it meant the love of her life. She fell in love with the barrier that separated West Berlin from East Berlin as a girl when she first saw it on television. In 1979, she entered into marital bliss with it, becoming Mrs. Berliner-Mauer (freely translated: Berlin Wall-ite). Due to the inconvenient political situation, she couldn’t have closer contact with the love of her life, but she visited him every now and then, gazing longingly. The “marriage” lasted ten years, until the fall of Mr. Berliner-Mauer: at the moment when all of Europe celebrated the fall of the infamous wall, the inconsolable Erica mourned her husband’s death. She never returned to Berlin (“Memories are too painful!”), but she still keeps a model of the wall in her house, which she lovingly strokes, reminiscing about happier times. “People laugh when I say that, but I know he returned my feelings. Our souls will be connected forever!” said the “widow.” A wall with a soul? You’re right, Erica, we’re laughing at you!

Goat Nostra

Sudanese Charles Tombe could rightly say that his wife was a real goat. This scrawny, ugly guy couldn’t find a girlfriend, so in the summer of 2006, he decided to satisfy his natural urges in an unnatural way, with the neighbor’s goat. While whispering sweet words to her from behind, some elderly lady came across them. Despite advanced arthritis, she found enough strength to beat the offender with a bamboo stick. Tombe, tearful and bruised, was brought before the village elders. The verdict was cruel: not only did he have to marry his partner in moral transgression, but he also had to pay a substantial compensation to her owner. Unfortunately, marital happiness was not long-lived. Shortly after the wedding, the bride swallowed a plastic bag and choked to death. It seems she didn’t like her new husband at all.

By: Lucija Kapural