Trump Tower. A virtual meeting on the Ukrainian crisis. On one side of the screen, Volodymyr Zelensky, tense and serious, as if taking a final exam. On the other, Donald Trump, leaning back with his trademark smirk, spinning a globe on his desk. Suddenly, Elon Musk jumps into the conversation with solutions ranging from Teslas to lunar colonization.
Trump: (leaning forward with a smirk) “Volodymyr, Crimea isn’t yours. It never was. It’s not mine either, but at least I know whose it is.”
Zelensky: (gritting his teeth) “Mr. Trump, Crimea is Ukraine. Everyone knows that.”
Trump: “Everyone? Who’s ‘everyone’? Your NATO friends? Let me tell you something: Putin knows how many bus stops are in Crimea, how many olives grow on every tree, and what time the seagulls go to sleep. Can you name five rivers in Crimea?”
Zelensky: (visibly nervous) “Rivers? Uh… the Dnipro is nearby, and… uh…”
Trump: (laughing) “Exactly. You can’t. Putin could probably draw a map of Crimea blindfolded. And you? You’re turning the place into a meme factory.”
(Suddenly, Musk joins the call, casually sipping coffee from a mug that says “Mars or Bust.”)
Musk: “Alright, guys, enough with the geography. Volodymyr, listen—here’s the deal: I’ll give you twenty Teslas, a villa in Malibu, and 100 million dollars. Just let Crimea go, okay?”
Zelensky: (shrugging) “Thanks, Elon, but Biden already gave me twice as much.”
Musk: (raising an eyebrow) “Joe? The one who calls Teslas ‘space golf carts’?”
Zelensky: “Not Joe. Hunter. He gave me way more.”
Trump: (leaning in closer, narrowing his eyes) “What exactly did Hunter give you?”
Zelensky: “A trip to the Moon.”
Musk: (spits out coffee) “A trip to the Moon? I’m SpaceX! How did Hunter send you to the Moon?”
Zelensky: (rubbing his temples) “It wasn’t the real Moon. He brought this pipe… and after one puff, I was on the Moon for six months. Totally out of my mind.”
(Trump slams the table, laughing loudly.)
Trump: “And then you started a war? What a stoned fool!”
(Musk tries to intervene, but Trump waves him off.)
Trump: “Listen, Volodymyr, you’re fighting for a peninsula you can’t even pronounce, and now I find out you’re Hunter’s astronaut. You know what? Let Elon send you to the real Moon. Maybe you’ll learn something there.”
Musk: (adjusting his headset) “Alright. Volodymyr, I’ll offer you a lifetime supply of Teslas and a one-way ticket to Mars. Deal?”
Zelensky: “Thanks, but I already told you—Hunter’s got that covered. He even gave me a spacesuit. It smelled… like victory.”
(Trump, now wiping tears of laughter, spins the globe again.)
Trump: “You know, Crimea looks like a great spot for a golf course. Maybe I should buy it. I’ll call Dodik to set up a meeting with Putin. I think he’d love to hear from me.”
(As the call ends, the absurdity lingers, leaving only the echo of questions about whether Crimea was ever the real goal—or just an excuse for some cosmic chaos.)
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